Club Goin’ up on a Sunday

Illustration by Joel Bustamante
Illustration by Joel Bustamante

Recently there’s been some breaking news in regards to “breaking the seal,” on a Sunday. Historically, Sundays have been known for mellow afternoons full of football, homework and the 
occasional visit to church.

A bill has been introduced in the fine state of Indiana that proposes the sale of alcohol on Sundays. If this bill were to be passed, there would be some major changes that would occur on IU’s campus.

It appears as though some are unaware that prohibition is over. It’s been over for 80 years actually, so it was about time Indiana caught up on the reading in its history textbook.

The current law prevents the sale of beer, wine and liquor to be sold at grocery and liquor stores in Indiana.

For liquor stores, it’s a no-brainer — they sell liquor. Because of this law, these local businesses are limited to having a six-day workweek. Store owners are forced to sit at home Sundays twiddling their thumbs, just counting all of the missed profits that they could be earning.

Imagine if other businesses were closed on Sundays. What if Chick-fil-A was closed on a Sunday? What kind of pandemonium would that create?

Oh wait.

There are many explanations as to why the ban on Sunday alcohol sales should be eliminated. Here are just a few comical reasons why.

First off, students wouldn’t have to deal with hangovers from the night before. It’s common knowledge that the best way to cure a hangover is to drink more. It’s called a boozy brunch, full of bottomless mimosas and 
Bloody Mary’s.

Homemade brunch is the perfect excuse to day drink, and it’s got the added bonus of having bacon to wash it all down. Who doesn’t love that?

Along with brunch, alcohol sales would go up, and church attendance would go down. We all know the only reason people attend church in the first place is for the free booze, even if it’s just a sip.

There would be the invention of “Frat Star Sunday” in which every frat would throw loud and obnoxious parties all day that would make attending Monday classes that much more 
difficult.

Police officers could do their jobs and pull over drunk drivers. Ironically, the old law prevents the “new” law enforcers from finding the true criminals of Indiana.

Students will no longer experience the “Sunday night blues” due to Monday 8 a.m. class trepidation because they’ll still be drunk.

The weekend won’t technically be over until everyone’s fully sobered up. The “Walking Dead Drinking Game” would be invented since people will finally be able to do a last minute run to the liquor store.

“Take one sip if your favorite character is killed,” “take another sip if your favorite character comes back to life as a zombie.”

Taco Bell and pizza sales would skyrocket, because they’re closely correlated to the sale and consumption of 
alcohol due to the late night “drunchies.”

Lastly, when you find a match on Tinder and end up spending Sunday night, it might be a blessing in disguise. If you’re shacking closer to campus, the walk of shame just became far more convenient.

Just bring your backpack the night before, and you’re good to go.

Let’s face it, we don’t want dry 
Sundays. We want a dry martini.

This article was originally published as an editorial for the Indiana Daily Student on 11 February 2015. 

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