The saying “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” simply doesn’t apply because of the anonymous element of the postal system.
Last year, I sent my sister a box full of candy from Dylan’s Candy Bar. I guess I forgot to add a note that said it was from me, and I never received a call about her enjoying the candy. Later on, I realized she had thought it was a company gift and her cowokers ate all the sour strawberry belts I ordered specifically for my sister.
Yes, sending packages without the sender’s name is annoying. But it can also be a blessing in disguise.
Recently, there’s been a boom in selling products on the Internet specifically for enemies. Want a way to piss off your nemesis? Send them grade-A bodily waste. Or even better, send them an envelope full of the craft world’s most annoying substance.
I’m talking about poop. And glitter.
Cards Against Humanity, the most inappropriate game known to man, decided it would be a good idea to advertise a product called “Bullshit.”Knowing their curious and crass customers, they thought it would be a hit.
And boy, did the shit ship home. Thirty thousand people ordered a box full of animal dung for $6 in the mail during the holidays this year. For each box, Cards Against Humanity made 20 cents. Thankfully, the profits are going to charity.
If that’s not enough to show how fine American consumerism is doing thesedays, websites have taken it a step further — there’s the Shitexpress, PoopSenders and ShitSenders, among other hooligan operations.
But another site, “Ship Your Enemies Glitter,” is the true showstopper. It literally outshines the other shit shows.
The website, which allows individuals to ship their enemies an envelope full of pesky little glitter flecks, is a hot commodity. A feat accomplished for the small price $9.99? What a deal.
If you’ve ever made a craft with glitter, you know it gets everywhere. And I’m talking about pillows, toothbrushes and probably even underwear.
The website cannot currently take any more orders due to such high demand, and it’s recently been sold for $85,000 on Flippa.
The reviews are priceless. A distressed Alma Hendry wrote, “For my one year anniversary I didn’t know what to get my wife, so I bought this thinking it would be funny. It wasn’t, I’m now divorced, broke and living with my best friend. I’d like to talk to the owner to get a refund and discuss damages.”
Yeah, a $9.99 refund is going to help with the divorce fees.
So, if you have an enemy, you best go insane, throw some glitter and make it rain. Or send them some poop.
This article was originally published as a column for the Indiana Daily Student on 22 January 2015.