A Field Guide to the GOP

I’m not a very political person, so when I tuned in last night to watch some Republicans get their debate on, I was thoroughly unimpressed, yet fully entertained. It was almost as if I was watching a show on Bravo TV called “The Real Housewives of the Grand Old Party.”

I’m quite objective when it comes to the political happenings of this country, mostly because when I think of politics, I think of petty bigoted old men who have a stick up their ass because they were chosen last in their third grade dodge ball match.

Thus, party ideology aside; I’m going to tell you what I thought about the debate, from the impartial point of view of a human being. We’re all human, and as a person with rights and needs, some of the things these men said were straight up not OK.

One thing that I am impressed with is that this debate hit record household ratings. According to CNN Money, the preliminary ratings indicate that 16% of U.S. households with TV’s watched Thursday night’s debate. No other primary has topped 10%.

So yes, a crap ton of people watched, tweeted, probably yelled at their TV’s, and went to bed baffled at the clown cartel that is the GOP. But did they watch to hear the true opinions of the candidates? Or did they watch to see Donald Trump’s violently gesticulating hands or Rubio’s #blessed yet rash-like orange complexion? I know it’s fun to make GIFs and Memes of the mass amounts of shade each candidate was throwing, but it’s also important to realize why these guys are standing up on stage in the first place. They want to become the next president of the United States.

As far as I’m concerned, the debate didn’t showcase the true passions of these individuals. Last night “passion” was represented in many forms— from hairstyles to tie colors. The seventeen candidates each have something different to bring to the table. Some enjoy operating on Siamese Twins; others have been in attendance at a gay wedding. All of them have heard the ephemeral voice of “God.” This stuff is funny, yes, but where’s the true content?

Unfortunately, Mr. You’re Fired towered over the other candidates in terms of airtime. That being said, all I got from listening to Donald Trump was four free tacos. Fast food delivery company Eat24 announced on Thursday afternoon that every time Trump says “Mexico,” they would tweet a generous coupon code. While divulging in my decadent tacos towering with extra guac, Trump spoke about his desire to create a Great Wall of Mexico. As he declared his eternal hatred for all things Mexican his arms looked like they were chopping down a small forest. You can catch me purchasing my Trump doomsday supplies at our local Wal-Mart.

Aside from Mark Huckabee’s statement about how pimps should be taxed, the highlight of his airtime was when he announced, “The purpose of the military is to kill people and break things.” What is this? Playing Call of Duty in your basement while eating cold pizza?

Sounds very presidential to me.

The light in the dark was Megyn Kelly. From her undertones of sarcasm to the way she asked Trump, “When did you actually become a Republican?” she really held her own out there.

In the end, I was half expecting every candidate to pull his mask off and “The Daily Show” writers to prance on stage to announce, “We wrote this debate for our biggest finale ever!” I would have been much happier with this ending than the latter, “my father was a bartender” or, “my father worked at Breyers ice cream” spiel. If they really wanted to impress me, they should have made me a drink and an ice cream cone, because I really needed some good R&R after watching that debate.

Meanwhile during the debate, Hillary Clinton was taking selfies with Kim Kardashian. That’s American buoyancy at its finest.

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