Traditionally, thinking of places to make out conjures up images of the backseat of your mom’s minivan, seven minutes in hell (aka a filthy closet) and the omnipresent basement couch that’s chock-full of Dorito crumbs.
The Daily Dot’s Dana Schwartz utilized her fantastic journalistic skills to unearth a mystery. Upon extreme investigation by way of a Twitter survey, she realized that Google Maps, a true miracle of the modern world, has improved not only our poor navigation skills, but our love life as well.
When Schwartz typed, “make out point,” into Google Maps, something peculiar happened. The answer to this treacherous, Magic 8-Ball-esque question was none other than directions to Chuck E. Cheese’s. All I canimagine is sticky fingers, ball pits with more germs than plastic and a shitload of rodents. It’s all unromantic if you ask me.
From Schwartz’s Twitter enquiry, users across the globe typed in “make out point” into the navigation-turned-wingman app. Results included Edible Arrangements, a Chevrolet dealership, a Red Roof Inn, Ross Point Baptist Camp and the United States Military Academy.
From this, it can be asserted that Google Maps is equivalent to the one friend everyone has — the “you should toooootally make out with him … he’s so hot! There’s a dumpster over there!” friend. Typically a hot mess, this comrade has zero capabilities in the matchmaking business.
Being the curious purveyor of weird and absurd technology that I am, I decided to try it out at IU. Unfortunately, nothing showed up. Thankfully, I have a rich imagination.
Without further ado, here are some strange places to make out on campus.
Because who the hell goes to Swain West? I know, I know, the math/science people … I’m an English major. All I know is that if two plus two equals four, then an empty room plus two horny people equals a prime make out spot. Might as well get some good use out this building.
The alcove on the second floor of the IU Art Museum
From a personal, totally non-creepy observation, I know of some tomfoolery that has taken place here. It’s weirdly specific, but the itchy orange couches seem to be quite a hot commodity.
The stacks in Herman B Wells Library
A little predictable if you ask me, but if you like vanilla ice cream with no toppings, this is your make out paradise.
Starbucks in the Indiana Memorial Union
Your late night espresso shot never felt so steamy. The IMU, a great place to make out in general — perhaps because it’s a freaking hotel — is full of plush couches, secret corridors and never-ending stairwells that are perfect for all of your kissing shenanigans.
The Lilly Library
First off, this place is insane — they have an entire room dedicated to mechanical puzzles. Riddle me this: where else in the entire world could you give your significant other a kiss while caressing a golden lock of Sylvia Plath’s very own hair? The answer is, nowhere. A tad morbid, yes, but YOLO, people.
I’m sure there are dozens of other bizarre and irrational places to make out on campus, including the dreadful lecture couple that everyone wants to punch in the face. I mean really, voluntarily signing up for bowling class with your boyfriend is so 2004.
Needless to say, while these places are funny, let’s keep the PDA to a minimum.
This article was originally published as a column for the Indiana Daily Student on 22 October 2015.