February, otherwise known as the month of love, or more aptly the month in which you binge-watch Netflix while spooning copious amounts of macaroni and cheese down your throat, is upon us once again.
For those hopeless romantics out there who enjoy reading Jane Austin while taking a jasmine-scented bubble bath, boy do I have some exciting news for you.
As time passes and millennials inadvertently become “old people,” our serial dating tendencies start to feel more and more like filling out those pesky SAT bubble sheets.
I’m talking about the newest addition to dating apps: Precisely.
Precisely allows you to map out not only your physical features, but also your entire life, from your hair type to your Meyers-Briggs type. It’s like Tinder on steroids.
This app is more specific than if your mom were to set you up on a blind date with her physical therapist’s son.
Do you really think she’s going to know your sexual preferences? Doggy style isn’t for everyone, people, and neither are handcuffs.
Clearly, the solution to concealing these clandestine facts is to reveal your entire moral character on a phone app, which in turn should crank out some cookie cutter version of the “perfect” mate.
When we think of “the one,” are we really so narcissistic to conjure up some idealized version of ourselves?
Essentially, this app champions the slightly manic individuals who are compelled to match outfits with their partner in order to seem “compatible” on some extremely superficial level.
Think of your third-grade self playing “Sims 2” in your dimly lit basement while eating a box of Thin Mints. You create the characters, make their beds and kill them off if you so please. Precisely allows for exactly that — well, minus the morbidly disturbing virtual murder.
I know we’re young — we don’t necessarily need to find a partner anytime soon. But we’re also thirsty, as evidenced by Tinder “super likes” and pickup lines like, “Do you like soda? Because I would mount-and-do you.”
To that I reply, “Sorry I only allow people to mount and donut me. I prefer strawberry frosted with sprinkles.”
These dating apps have turned into arenas of pointless banter that is, I assume, pent up with sexual tension. Who needs spontaneity when you have an algorithm that will find you a guy who (gasp!) likes a big booty and dimples?
For those insecure dudes out there who can’t help their lady reach a bag of chips on the top shelf, have no fear. Thankfully, the only thing that stays confidential on Precisely is your height.
So, this Valentines Day, find someone you click with. Do something you both love, whether that’s enjoying martial arts, a Paleo meal or the satisfactory smoke of a hearty spliff. Precisely practically guarantees users will find a perfectly calculated soul mate.
This article was originally published as a column for the Indiana Daily Student on 4 February 2016.