Trump’s never been to the tampon aisle

It seems as though Donald Trump’s parents never sat him down and had the unavoidably awkward but ultimately necessary conversation about the birds and the bees.

After last night’s #TrumpBookReport surfaced on Twitter, I think it’s safe to say he’s never read the American Girl “Care and Keeping of You” body books that have helped millions of brace-faced young women navigate the minefield of tampon aisles since 1998.

Possibly because he thinks all women are nasty.

For Trump, a period is nothing more than a punctuation mark.

As a man who favors browsing magazines with his face on the cover instead of reading physical novels, this could-be but probably-won’t-be future president has a relatively light appetite for reading, according to the Washington Post.

Common sense can only get you so far, Donald. Somehow it’s gotten you past the primaries onto the presidential debate stage, but it certainly stopped working for you Wednesday night.

For example, on the topic of abortion, Trump denounced Hillary’s policies and said, “Based on what she’s saying, and based on where she’s going, and where she’s been, you can take the baby and rip the baby out of the womb in the ninth month on the final day. And that’s not acceptable.”

Where’s the common sense here? Ripping the baby out of the womb on the final day of the ninth month is called birth, 

It’s as if he’s a five-year-old boy trapped inside the rotting body of a 70-year-old orange.

I wish Chris Wallace had asked, “What is abortion?” Because Trump would most likely freeze up and say something along the lines of this: “Well, uh, the babies, they fall down from the sky somewhere and a leppo takes them and rips them from the womb. It’s a disaster. Look at what’s happening. It’s so sad. And a lot of this is because of Hillary Clinton.”

After looking back at the New York Times’ debate transcription, a simple Command+F will show you that Trump never actually said the word “abortion.” Clearly, he’s in denial. Compare that to the 17 times he said the word “Mosul.”

The worst part of it all is he’s the father to five children, the grandfather to eight grandchildren and has been a husband to three wives. He’s also passed the fifth grade — I hope.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s never actually grabbed anyone by the p—ybecause he probably went for the wrong hole.

I get it ­— girl “stuff” is gross. It’s bloody. It’s smelly. It makes us act emotionally unstable. But guess what’s really unstable? A president who doesn’t want to understand the issues.

Abortion? Sure, as long as the baby isn’t murdered in cold blood. Gay marriage? Sure, as long as I don’t have to mention equality and can keep my running mate from talking about that riffraff act thing he keeps mentioning. Transgender people? Sure — yes, of course they belong in the bathrooms.

It’s not that Trump is in any way progressive. It’s that he simply doesn’t care, just as he’s shown us on numerous accounts prior to last night’s debate when speaking crudely about women.

As a country full of nasty women and bad hombres, it’s best the hollow words of one tiny-handed man don’t bog us down.


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